About time I think

for one more blog post.
Was chatting to Andrea while I was playing with Alannah the other day, Alannah has a habit of sitting with her knees under her and her legs making a W essentially, Andrea was explaining how that can affect her handwriting. Now don't go "Oh tish-tosh, nonsense", if you sit like that you're allowing your weight to be put firmly on your legs, that allows you to use only back and leg muscles to support yourself, thereby weakening your stomach muscles over time which causes you to, while sitting upright in a seat, push down very heavily on the pen to write (something I have always had a problem with doing), as well as that when you sit like that you allow for less movement of the arms, having instead to pivot on the spot to pick something up at an angle, again thereby limiting muscle use and growth of the arms and upper back.
Now none of this applies to me now, obviously, but it's very interesting to note what a few hours research on a specific topic like that (or in Andrea's case 4 years of college on Occupational Therapy and Child Psychology as well as a few years now working for the CRC dealing with Children) can do for your child’s future.

On that note I now want to tone my stomach muscles all the more, maybe I can finally get nice handwriting?!

Hah, so anyway, I'm a fool. Every time for the last while that I have drank too much I have gotten angry, upset or otherwise emotionally compromised to the stage that I do and say things that are both very unfair and grossly untrue. Unfortunately more so I have taken all of this out on one person, and have pretty much began to destroy one of the most important relationships in my life at the moment. What makes it really awful for me is knowing that I really have inherited a problem with alcohol. I am not only a serious binge drinker but I am getting to the stage where I am going out of my way to put myself in a bar when there is half an excuse. Now I'm not saying I'm spending every cent or cutting down jungles to get to that last pint but it's a slippery slope and with my family I wouldn't say the slope has many easy off roads, so this one is probably the one to take.
Most people in my life tell me I'm a fun drunk, but it's funny the people we become when full of drink, the drunk me hates his mother, thinks his brother hates him and thinks his girlfriend is cheating on him, or there about, these two sides of me aren't exactly in correspondence. But at the same time I'm being this asshole to people I love the most I am hugging friends, chatting to strangers and smiling happily with everything from a dog to a bus...
So as part of my many New Year’s resolutions (which I need to post up here soon, and start soon in some cases) I am adding that I'm not drinking more than one drink per session for the rest of 2010, I think this is the brightest way to take it.

I am also seriously considering rejoining UCD gym, TCD gym is awful, everyone says so, so free membership or not I'm not using it (though I do want to swim again). And €250 isn't much if I do try use it twice a week, early Saturday and late Monday I think, something like that... I just can't stand no exercise, I feel fat and slow.

Then there is work, so okay, it's not going well. I don't know how to do this is the big problem.
I need to spend more time on it, but in so many ways I can't. A mix of not enough time, effort, really caring about it... I just haven't been arsed. And I need to get arsed!
So I'm going to go see the TCD counselling service, just to talk about my current feelings and maybe just to talk through all the things that have been playing through in my head.
But it isn't like I'm totally lost, I did do a lot of work in my degree, despite what people may think I did bust my ass, I just don't often let things get me down or show through because that's just who I am. But at the moment I do just feel a bit like I picked the wrong horse in the race. Why plasma physics? And why did Enda and Sam pick it too? I mean, it's not that big a field in Ireland. In fact it's nearer to a very small field in Ireland from what I understand. What I really want is a big book, with everything, all the basics of plasma physics, in it. And the problem with that is plasma physics is too broad, you have literally hundreds of different things under that umbrella. So what I need a book on is low temperature laser produced plasmas and electrical discharges. Then I need a month to study for an exam on this magical book.

So yeah, that's not going to happen anytime soon, I might try writing my own one at least that would be a method of study. I'm just in a bad place in my mind, I feel unneeded and unnecessary, and that's nobody’s fault but my own. And it's not even just that, I'm having trouble thinking about how I'm feeling. I miss being able to write these things down, I might try doing a blog a day maybe. I eat my lunch at my desk anyway so that should be okay. But yeah, back to work.
I'm not going to give up, I'm not going to stop. I will do these 4 years and get the PhD, and I will get a good one, I will do a great job and nothing will stand in the way of that. Then I will see what I want to do with my life
(wow my spelling has gone from bad to worse)