For the first time in a long time I put thought into a blog post, I hope this is okay and doesn't scare anyone, I'm not dying (any faster than usual). This post was written between two days, the 14th and 15th so that I could get all the ideas I wanted to out into the world.
I think I'm coming to terms with who I am, at least a little, or a little more than I had done before, although I guess I wasn’t the Me I am now then anyway.
Now I don't mean what I'm about to say as a statement of how I always am, anyone who says they always are anything (other than alive) is either lying or very consistently on a heavy cocktail of drugs.
I think that I am a cheery, I won’t say happy because that's more internal than external, and I think that I'm more outwardly, conversationally happy than I am happy by the look in my eyes or the feeling inside.
So, I am a cheery, mild-mannered (that is to say push over, in most senses), annoying (in a passive way, I hope), unobservant (except about pointless mundane things like insects, animal tracks or other such banal, useless things to notice), argumentative (in a conversational way, at least that's my aim, mostly I think I come across just as an obstacle to Fact), a lazy person (and a bastard of one apparently, thanks Enda), a clean person (I clean when bored, irritated or otherwise full of undirected energy), completely not self-style-conscious (not that I need to tell anyone that)... I’m losing steam on this one, and I think it sounds stupid and pointless. Nobody needs to hear what I think I am because they all know what They think I am anyway.
[I was also told once, by most of my closest friends, in one sitting, that I was the most passive aggressive person they knew. That my social habits showed malice and thirst for vengeance and that I should sort this out... That surprised me, as I didn't know I was being so obvious about it.. Hah. No, really I didn't think I was but I guess they'd know!]
I've become conscious of the people who are reading this, people beyond the one or two I thought might and beyond the few I thought might happen upon it now and again (the best thing about writing things like that, knowing some of the people who might read it, is getting to try to guess which one of the groups they will assume I meant them to be in). So I will probably be adding clause upon clause to my statements to ensure that I am not taken too seriously and that people don’t think worse of me for anything I say.
Another big thing is that Enrique, the guy whose work I am in essence fallowing on from, has finished his thesis, viva, and corrections and is leaving for the states tomorrow morning to begin a 9-5 job. I really am going to be a long way from all my answers this time tomorrow. He was one of the nicest people I've met in a long time, he was always good for a chat, always had at least part of the answer I was looking for and I must say I envy his certainty in God, a lot.
I am always being brought down these days, I just can't seem to find my meaning, and I'm not asking for help, after all it is My meaning. And I firmly believe in everyone's own meaning, I think that organised religion can only show you a path and be a guide. Once it becomes The path itself then the message is lost and you become subject to another man, and that isn't the point of the whole religious sphere, at least not in the true sense. It should be about learning, never about control.
Heavy stuff for a Wednesday night, but I guess once the mind starts running it reaches its own momentum without consulting its surrounds. Other than being brought down and staying down with a loss of faith as an ankle weight, I am down about life. It's nothing new to this blog for me to complain about work or family or friends, but it all comes back to my idea of where I am going and I have to say, that idea isn't what I thought it was. Not one bit. I mostly just want to enjoy my time, whether that means staying home and playing some stupid game or looking through hundreds of pictures to find ones I like for no reason other than collecting them, or whether it’s going to spend time with Odette watching crap TV and talking nonsense.
Anyway, enough of that talk, social dynamics are of great interest to me, lots of things are of great interest to me though, but where people think they belong in social pyramids and how people locate others is something very telling. I also really like to see how families develop, and how children of certain ages begin to bring home new social traits and challenge the way things are done in a house because of these new methods they've learned. I think the patterns people make around themselves, the groups of friends and the statistical averages which people so easily fall in to so often. Not that I’d ever want to study these things professionally, that would bore me to tears.
I really love still being a student, staying safe in the knowledge I have 3 more years without Real things to think about, just lots of physics to do. I’ve oh so many projects I would like to take on aswell though, but they would take too much time to undertake properly, so for now they all will just stay as dreams.
I thought I would post more, but I really did run out of steam, but I’d say if I made it any longer nobody would want to reach the end, if there is anyone who wanted to even get this far. Thanks for reading, as always opinions are welcome and requested. I do miss a lot of my friends, but I never know what social scenario I should try arrange for seeing them (/you).
N.B. I really hope anyone who does read this doesn't think I'm thinking I'm too big for my boots, I'm not thinking anything of the sort. I know where I stand in most of the levels of intellect, I just like throwing my hand in at fields of thought far beyond my level, it helps take away from the stupid, unanswerable questions I develop about things I'm wrapped up in day to day in my life.
It may not be the best way, as it will clearly take away from my ability to solve the problems at hand, but I really don't like the problems at hand unless they are almost fixed already and I get the credit for the fix.